Girls and Guys

When a girl is quiet, Millions of things are running through her mind. When a girl is not arguing, She is thinking deeply. When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, She is wondering how long you will be around. When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds, She is not at all fine. When a girl stares at you, She is wondering why you are so wonderful. When a girl lays on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl calls you everyday, She is seeking for your attention. When a girl wants to see you everyday, She wants to be pampered. When a girl says, "I'll love you forever," She means it. When a girl says that she can't live without you, She has made up her mind that you are her future. When a girl says, "I miss you," No one in this world can miss you more than that. GUY FACTS: When a guy is quiet, He's listening to you. When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he's wrong. When a guy says, "I'm fine," after a few minutes, He means it. When a guy stares at you, He thinks you're the most beautiful thing in the world. When you're laying your head on a guy's chest He has the world. When a guy calls you everyday He is in love. When a (**good**) guy says he loves you He means it. When a guy says he can't live without you He's with you till your done. When a guy says, "I miss you," He misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else.

Funniest joke

‎"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

‎"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

‎"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

‎"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

‎"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

‎"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

In Bill Gates' book, Business @ The Speed of Thought, he lays out 11
rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should.
He argues that our feel-good, politically correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of
high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do
that on your own time.
RULE 10 - Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?He got stuck in Orbit!